Upon request from my wonderful readers and at the encouragement of my beautiful friend Jossie. I am going to make a series of Finding My Way Back Home posts.
Finding My Way Back Home #2
After starting my journal and diving into the scriptures, I found that my Lord and Savior was just waiting to open my mind and heart to Him and His words. He wanted to guide me and my life with His words but I had told Him "I do not need help" by my thoughts, feelings and actions. I again want to tell my friend thank you so much for giving a much needed reality check!
Today I want to address an issue that I have found it at the root of most of my personal problems. DEPRESSION.
To a lot of people it is somewhat taboo and they might think that you can just shake off the sadness or low feelings. I was diagnosed with clinical chemical depression when I was a freshman in college. I thought oh its not real, its just the stress of starting college and moving away from home. The first time I realized that I really did suffer with depression and not just stress/sadness, was when I took myself off of the medicine I had been prescribed. Within a few days I was in the depths of despair and did not see any reason to get up in the mornings or care about what I did. After a terrible relationship and breaking up with my first college boyfriend, I was a wreck! I contemplated suicide and even planned an attempt. Thankfully I have a wonderful, beautiful and inspired mother. My mother also suffers from depression similar to mine. When she noticed that I was not my normal happy self that I had been just a few short months before, she took action. She might not have even know that she was helping but she always had just the right thing to say or do. Eventually she asked me "Jenna are you still taking your medication like you should?" At first I wanted nothing more than to lie to her and say yes because I did not want her or anyone else to know that I was not strong enough to do life on my own. Thankfully The Lord had other plans. I could not lie to her, because deep down I knew that I was not even close to okay. Mom got me another appointment with the doctor and we tried a few different anti-depressants before we found one that worked and continues to work to this day almost 8 years later.
I look back at that experience often and with great appreciation for those who loved me and helped me. But I was not always strong, because about 6 months into my marriage I took myself off the medicine again because I thought that I could do it now. Especially with Drew's help! I was in for a shock that almost broke my very new marriage. I demanded that we move out of the apartment that we were renting from my in laws because I had delusions that the hated me. (They don't hate me.) I started to threaten to leave Drew because he "just didn't understand" what I needed. I wanted to run my car off the road when having really bad mornings because, who would miss me? I thought everyone else would be better off without me and if I wasn't around anymore. Thankful again for my mother and loving husband. Drew took me to my parents one night when I was having a total break down. Mom told me that either I take my medicine and apologize to Drew or she was going to check me into the phsyc ward by force. After a long heartfelt conversation between my mom and I, I decided to take my medicine for 3 months and if it did not help I would go back to a doctor. I am so grateful every day for that because now I have my family. I have two beautiful children and a good life filled with people who love and care about me and most of all the NEED me.
I hope one day to be able to help someone like my mom and husband helped me in my "dark and twisty" times. (yes I am a "Greys Anatom"y nerd) I hope that by reading this someone somewhere may be helped or look to others and reach out for help. If you know someone who is showing signs of depression and they come to you I hope that you will think about how to help and not just tell them to get over it like many people I knew told me when it all started for me.
Faith and Love,
Jenna
After starting my journal and diving into the scriptures, I found that my Lord and Savior was just waiting to open my mind and heart to Him and His words. He wanted to guide me and my life with His words but I had told Him "I do not need help" by my thoughts, feelings and actions. I again want to tell my friend thank you so much for giving a much needed reality check!
Today I want to address an issue that I have found it at the root of most of my personal problems. DEPRESSION.
To a lot of people it is somewhat taboo and they might think that you can just shake off the sadness or low feelings. I was diagnosed with clinical chemical depression when I was a freshman in college. I thought oh its not real, its just the stress of starting college and moving away from home. The first time I realized that I really did suffer with depression and not just stress/sadness, was when I took myself off of the medicine I had been prescribed. Within a few days I was in the depths of despair and did not see any reason to get up in the mornings or care about what I did. After a terrible relationship and breaking up with my first college boyfriend, I was a wreck! I contemplated suicide and even planned an attempt. Thankfully I have a wonderful, beautiful and inspired mother. My mother also suffers from depression similar to mine. When she noticed that I was not my normal happy self that I had been just a few short months before, she took action. She might not have even know that she was helping but she always had just the right thing to say or do. Eventually she asked me "Jenna are you still taking your medication like you should?" At first I wanted nothing more than to lie to her and say yes because I did not want her or anyone else to know that I was not strong enough to do life on my own. Thankfully The Lord had other plans. I could not lie to her, because deep down I knew that I was not even close to okay. Mom got me another appointment with the doctor and we tried a few different anti-depressants before we found one that worked and continues to work to this day almost 8 years later.
I look back at that experience often and with great appreciation for those who loved me and helped me. But I was not always strong, because about 6 months into my marriage I took myself off the medicine again because I thought that I could do it now. Especially with Drew's help! I was in for a shock that almost broke my very new marriage. I demanded that we move out of the apartment that we were renting from my in laws because I had delusions that the hated me. (They don't hate me.) I started to threaten to leave Drew because he "just didn't understand" what I needed. I wanted to run my car off the road when having really bad mornings because, who would miss me? I thought everyone else would be better off without me and if I wasn't around anymore. Thankful again for my mother and loving husband. Drew took me to my parents one night when I was having a total break down. Mom told me that either I take my medicine and apologize to Drew or she was going to check me into the phsyc ward by force. After a long heartfelt conversation between my mom and I, I decided to take my medicine for 3 months and if it did not help I would go back to a doctor. I am so grateful every day for that because now I have my family. I have two beautiful children and a good life filled with people who love and care about me and most of all the NEED me.
I hope one day to be able to help someone like my mom and husband helped me in my "dark and twisty" times. (yes I am a "Greys Anatom"y nerd) I hope that by reading this someone somewhere may be helped or look to others and reach out for help. If you know someone who is showing signs of depression and they come to you I hope that you will think about how to help and not just tell them to get over it like many people I knew told me when it all started for me.
Faith and Love,
Jenna
No comments:
Post a Comment